Help me, Helvetica

I’m confused again.

So, the thing is that I’m not boring. As in, when I speak, I make it worth your while. Try to give you that bang for your buck. (No one pays me to speak. Yet.) Storytelling is kind of a thing of mine, to be honest. Here’s something that is markedly easier to do on paper than in polite conversation: past tense. As in, if I’m expressing an outrage or emotional intensity that I experiencED? I’ll express it with vigor. Because flat-lining my tonal presentation is boring and I’m trying to take you on a journey.

Here’s why the confusion: I’m getting the impression that 99% of people mistake this for being REALLYUPSET.

Haiiiii. It’s a retelling, y’all. Calm down with the calming me down. Are emotions really that simplistic that the way you’d know I was harboring deep seeded rage and the like is if I just flat out told you? You don’t think you’d – Idunno – see some sort of social and mental decline or untethering become increasingly visible in my life as I spiraled out of control?! Nope. I’d just tell a story about the past in an intentionally animated and – IF I SAY SO MYSELF – entertaining fashion and bam, you’re my psychiatrist who truly knows my inner workings now.

Yeesh. (See, like how I actually still totally love you.)

And no, this isn’t about something else – like the fact that for one brief, shining moment I had a hooded hounds tooth cape that I wore once and then a mouse came down from the upstairs flat through the used-to-be-a-stairwell-now-is-supposedly-a-closet and touched NONE of the ramshackle older jackets but decided to filet the back of my cape to make its unholy nest of which in a few hours it will have no need because exterminator, breezy, that’s how we do.

It is not about that.

P.S. That new favorite gif of mine? I literally just saw it on another blog and white-knuckled it. And now it is mine. ::kisses the internets::