Conan The Barbarian Is The Worst

[You are not prepared.]

You guys I found it. ::nods:: Tell Videogum. I have found…. the literal and indomitable Worst Film Of All Time. And it is the remake of Conan the Barbarian.

Things They Did Right:

Ron Perlman.

Things They Did Wrong: (you might wanna get comfy for this one)

See that guy up there? He does this thing where he talks with a cartoonishly gruff voice. …. But he only does it sometimes?

See that guy up there? He has chest-length hair that – when added to the fact that he’s traipsing around in a skirt – is extra. It’s extra, you guys. You know what else is extra? I don’t know if he’s supposed to have *wavy* hair or he’s just supposed to be perpetually wet, but CHILL. OUT. ON THE PRODUCT. Seriously, his hair is so crunchy, I can’t even.

See that guy up there? The whole beginning, getting to know you part was a lot less Sound of Music, although there was running over hills, which were alive with some special interpretation of Native Americans crossed with velociraptors. Which. Completely confused me. And Conan was a little kid who was supposed to be proven awesome but really he was just very visibly and certifiably sociopathic. O_O Really, they even have this scene of him hauling back his kill – three Native Velocimerican heads – and he’s doing this *super* extra I-perform-unnecessary-animal-autopsies look on his face. Yes, everyone’s looking at you, kid, you’re carrying heads into the village! Stop with the psycho-stare!

What’s left of Rose McGowan was the witch. I’m not even gonna post a picture because I’m pretty sure nothing gets that out. I know I’ve seen her in movies pre-op and I feel like somehow she got so much plastic surgery that now she can’t act? It was weird. I mean, no weirder than a movie simultaneously being way too long and also having no sub-plots (and I don’t mean what they *think* sub-plots are) and a very thin, cliche main plot that pretty much revolves around this chick tasting people’s blood with her razor-claws and trying to find the pure blood.

But hey, about that pure blood? They’d been looking for her since Conan was a kid. The witch girl has this special sense of smell and junk and was able to find all the pieces of the most outlandishly ridiculous mask-of-no-doom but somehow couldn’t find the tribe of monks who’d put her mother to death and were ostensibly hiding in their rather large monastery for like 1000 years?! WHAT? So the plot doesn’t move forward until – guess what – Conan’s a grown psycho! NOW they find the pure blood who’ll make the stupid looking mask come alive with freshness and reboot the executed witch mother and make the super bad reputation boss daddy who never does anything amazing at all …a god.

Spoiler: This movie is horrible. No, seriously. The spoiler is that Rose McGowan uses magic throughout the movie. Except during her death scene. Huh? And also, she goes after the pure blood whose chest has already been LIGHTLY scratched with A HUGE BARBARIAN SWORD and the blood has been used to activate the mask (spoiler alert: it does nothing) – but later they make it like the witch mommy would’ve possessed the pure blood and that’s how she’d come back (this is called plot armor and is also info that is not presented until it’s necessary for the story…) so basically Rose McGowan was inexplicably going to kill the vessel through which her mom would come back? Which was the point of the whole movie? I mean, I know they tried to make a whole You don’t need mommy now, you have me! moment but nobody bought that and it was never brought up before or after.

Also, when hand to hand combat take place, buildings crumble. O_o It’s science.

There’s also a magic, semi-furnished cave that comes into existence just in time for Oh-my-gaw-why-is-this-happening?!

I can’t even keep going with this. Suffice it to say, if you hated the remake of Clash of the Titans…. you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Oh, one more thing: Yes. Horrible “action” movies – particularly those made for their inevitably short stay at the IMax – forget to write actual stories because they’re too busy brainstorming all the “cool” ways they can kill people. Never do it the same way twice! Too bad that little nugget wasn’t applied to the horrible dialogue and various tropes throughout the rest of the film.


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