Man. It was bad and I had just watched a Canadian cop show. O_O Do you even know what that means?! (Canadians, if you’ve watched American television, you can’t get upset. It’s just the truth.)
TNT knows drama. And it knows stereotypes. And it also knows it wants a piece of that Lifetime pie. So, they’re pretty deep in the strong female lead lineup. The Closer. (No.) Saving Grace. (Yes.) Now they just need some diversity. And entrez, the wife of America’s sweetheart. She’s not been too busy since The Matrix. Her hair’s longer so she doesn’t look quite so tiny. And her somewhat chiseled features – and no, Ana, I’m not talking about the cheekbone implants you can’t stop talking about – put her on the right side of beautiful, well past the tiny tooth Closer character (whose name I can’t remember cuz I watched one full episode and audibly concluded, “nope”) and the rode-hard-put-back-wet lady who’s a touch too raw – meaning I super don’t believe the guy would honestly be into her tendon-y arms and general meth head style – and yes I know her name but don’t they also call her by her Christian name which is something other than Grace, too?
Where. Did we go just then.
Okay, so Hawthorne. Right. She’s rounding out the TNT Girl Power line-up. I’m so over hard-on-the-outside-but-don’t-you-dare-accuse-her-of-not-caring-but-only-certain-people-will-get-to-see-her-cry-among-whom-inevitably-will-be-the-love-interest-because-duh-a-guy-won’t-actually-fall-for-a-stone-cold-watch-yo-mouth. Far over it. I’ve crossed the border. And torched the passport. Let that bleeding pony carcass decay in peace, yo.
Okay, that’s not what this is about. Let me just come clean here. It’s 7:21 in the morning and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I wanted to, believe me. But you know brains and electric currents and junk. But that doesn’t mean Hawthorne wasn’t bad when I watched it like ten hours ago. It just means I’m well off the reservation by now. This is what we – in the bizz – call: the scenic route.
Mkay. So I figured I could go down the list of hard-eye-roll-meets-super-side-eye elements – not the least of which is her overly teenage daughter. Please. Don’t. Be so clever and cynical and I’m trying not to wring your neck and you’re not helping. Over it. Some teens are just dumb. Or ugly. Or annoying. Or quiet. Or sensible. They’re not all the way they all are on television. But I figured instead (oh, hey, did you make it down here from the first clause of the beginning of the paragraph? cool.) I’d just explain the scene that really sealed the deal.
Hawthorne solves problems. She thinks outside of the box. (Wretched vomiting.) She’s “something else”. I kid you not. Both shows I watched today, some guy looked at the woman in awe, head cocked slightly askew, lips pulled to one side, slightly agape and said those words. Gag me with a spork. Anyway, so she just has to make room in ICU but there are no. more. beds. And you know how it gets in hospitals, right? Am I right?!!? So, she’s talkin’ to some nobody and behind her, a staff someone-or-other comes out of a storage closet and she trails off mid-sentence.
We pretty much figured out what she’s thinking. But TNT wants to be sure.
She runs down the hallway, gives us a moment to read the STORAGE CLOSET sign. Opens the door. In the shot from inside the room, we see her standing just outside the door. She tips her head to one side, slowly brings her hands to her hips – oh, did I mention her head is cocked slightly askew?!
We’re relatively certain what she’s thinking. But TNT wants to be sure.
She steps into the room, looks slowly from side to side. There’s random – but tidy and not at all dusty – knickerknack throughout. Storage racks. Boxes. Whatever. She moves a box needlessly from a stack on her left to a stack on her right. She crosses her arms in front of her chest.
We’re really freaking sure what’s she thinking.
But TNT won’t take “I GOT IT” for an answer.
She leans down – this scene has officially gone on longer than many of the awkwardly paced scenes in that cop show – shuffles something or other around in front of her and reveals an electrical outlet. She erects herself, possibly raising an eyebrow or at least drawing her lips into a smug smirk before sighing. (God, I almost think it would’ve been better to just go head and let her bite her bottom lip here, guys.) “Bingo”, she says, or something equally shoot-me-in-the-head-worthy and finally, finally it starts to fade to black.
And I am now dumber for having seen it.