Man. It was bad and I had just watched a Canadian cop show. O_O Do you even know what that means?! (Canadians, if you’ve watched American television, you can’t get upset. It’s just the truth.)

TNT knows drama. And it knows stereotypes. And it also knows it wants a piece of that Lifetime pie. So, they’re pretty deep in the strong female lead lineup. The Closer. (No.) Saving Grace. (Yes.) Now they just need some diversity. And entrez, the wife of America’s sweetheart. She’s not been too busy since The Matrix. Her hair’s longer so she doesn’t look quite so tiny. And her somewhat chiseled features – and no, Ana, I’m not talking about the cheekbone implants you can’t stop talking about – put her on the right side of beautiful, well past the tiny tooth Closer character (whose name I can’t remember cuz I watched one full episode and audibly concluded, “nope”) and the rode-hard-put-back-wet lady who’s a touch too raw – meaning I super don’t believe the guy would honestly be into her tendon-y arms and general meth head style – and yes I know her name but don’t they also call her by her Christian name which is something other than Grace, too?

Where. Did we go just then.

Okay, so Hawthorne. Right. She’s rounding out the TNT Girl Power line-up. I’m so over hard-on-the-outside-but-don’t-you-dare-accuse-her-of-not-caring-but-only-certain-people-will-get-to-see-her-cry-among-whom-inevitably-will-be-the-love-interest-because-duh-a-guy-won’t-actually-fall-for-a-stone-cold-watch-yo-mouth. Far over it. I’ve crossed the border. And torched the passport. Let that bleeding pony carcass decay in peace, yo.

Okay, that’s not what this is about. Let me just come clean here. It’s 7:21 in the morning and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I wanted to, believe me. But you know brains and electric currents and junk. But that doesn’t mean Hawthorne wasn’t bad when I watched it like ten hours ago. It just means I’m well off the reservation by now. This is what we – in the bizz – call: the scenic route.

Mkay. So I figured I could go down the list of hard-eye-roll-meets-super-side-eye elements – not the least of which is her overly teenage daughter. Please. Don’t. Be so clever and cynical and I’m trying not to wring your neck and you’re not helping. Over it. Some teens are just dumb. Or ugly. Or annoying. Or quiet. Or sensible. They’re not all the way they all are on television. But I figured instead (oh, hey, did you make it down here from the first clause of the beginning of the paragraph? cool.) I’d just explain the scene that really sealed the deal.

Hawthorne solves problems. She thinks outside of the box. (Wretched vomiting.) She’s “something else”. I kid you not. Both shows I watched today, some guy looked at the woman in awe, head cocked slightly askew, lips pulled to one side, slightly agape and said those words. Gag me with a spork. Anyway, so she just has to make room in ICU but there are no. more. beds. And you know how it gets in hospitals, right? Am I right?!!? So, she’s talkin’ to some nobody and behind her, a staff someone-or-other comes out of a storage closet and she trails off mid-sentence.

We pretty much figured out what she’s thinking. But TNT wants to be sure.

She runs down the hallway, gives us a moment to read the STORAGE CLOSET sign. Opens the door. In the shot from inside the room, we see her standing just outside the door. She tips her head to one side, slowly brings her hands to her hips – oh, did I mention her head is cocked slightly askew?!

We’re relatively certain what she’s thinking. But TNT wants to be sure.

She steps into the room, looks slowly from side to side. There’s random – but tidy and not at all dusty – knickerknack throughout. Storage racks. Boxes. Whatever. She moves a box needlessly from a stack on her left to a stack on her right. She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

We’re really freaking sure what’s she thinking.

But TNT won’t take “I GOT IT” for an answer.

She leans down – this scene has officially gone on longer than many of the awkwardly paced scenes in that cop show – shuffles something or other around in front of her and reveals an electrical outlet. She erects herself, possibly raising an eyebrow or at least drawing her lips into a smug smirk before sighing. (God, I almost think it would’ve been better to just go head and let her bite her bottom lip here, guys.) “Bingo”, she says, or something equally shoot-me-in-the-head-worthy and finally, finally it starts to fade to black.

And I am now dumber for having seen it.


22 thoughts on “HAWTHORNE.

  1. Shut it. DOWN.
    I’m peeing. PEEING.
    Yeah, I saw the first episode. Tried to watch the second episode. Couldn’t do it. I’m all for shows helmed by black women but I’d rather watch Sherri than this crap. oh. I will not be watching Sherri.
    I just loved the whole “she’s MORE than just a nurse” slant. I liked it better when it was called CARLA, a spin-off of Scrubs. Oh wait, that never happened!
    What really CHAPS MY HIDE (okay not really, I just love writing that) is that someone thought they were being witty by naming the show Hawthorne cuz there’s a RN in there. *hits self in face with frying pan*


  2. This review is hysterically funny. I haven’t seen the show, but since my stupid kids mostly control the t.v., if there isn’t some sort of wedding planning, junk picking or little people involved, it’s not showing in our house.


  3. Yeah, those HawthoRNe commercials are horri…
    wait … You mean this isn’t a review of the trailers? You actually WATCHED it after seeing one of those commercials?!?

    Sorry, but Jada is the next generation version of Angela. (Not your generation, of course, I speak of the one after Angie) drama … color … raw!


    • How would I see the commercials? I’m in Canada. Okay, wait – I did see the pre-trailer before the show ever came out. And to be honest, I pretty much knew we’d end up here.


  4. I’m late to the convo, but guess what. I don’t watch Canadian TV! I have Direct TV, which is not allowed to do biz in these socialist parts, so I have a PO Box in Messena, NY, where I subscribe from. Payment is pre-approved on my credit card. And it’s CHEAPER! Dirt cheap by canadian standards. Hahaha. I don’t listen to Canadian Radio. Their radio hosts are closet bigots who are flambloyantly prejudiced against everything non-white.(they can’t/don’t see the paradox.) I have XM radio. I’m sure I’m not the only Canadian doing this.


    • I watch television online – which means I can only watch what I can get on GlobalTV.ca being as Hulu refuses to honor my American citizenship by letting me watch my shows here. Grrr.

      I only hear the radio on my alarm clock and usually it takes me a minute to discern because it’s in French. 🙂


  5. Speaking of poor reviews and entertainment you KNOW you will not like – It’s not my fault. It’s my mother’s birthday and she wants to see it. So please, I will EAT some birthday cake. PRAY for me because you LOVE me.

    And don’t want my eyes permanently rolling around in my head!


  6. lol at Miss R’s comment.

    I hate to boast but I have hulu 🙂
    my Internet provider is aol. (take that sympatico and videotron!) I’m so happy to beat the Canadian dictatorship system. I am living in virtual America, my friend. Ain’t technology great?


  7. I think the best part (okay, maybe not the best, but still pretty good) of moving to the UK was that we only get the American shows that are actually worth exporting (okay, they aren’t all great, but it’s better).


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