Latifah’s Had It Up To Here

And I may well have used that title before, people, because – let’s be real – Latifah has been pissed off more than a few times in the four years I’ve been blogging here or on Myspace. (We’re clear on me referring to myself as Latifah, no?) So, first things first, before I get to the “anger” – no one wanted to help me but I found a way anyway! HAH! I can now force you to listen to the songs I like. Which is to say that instead of asking you to go somewhere and find it yourself, I will just put it here, right there in the corner… and you can be a buttface and not turn it on or you can be an American hero – assuming you’re in America because why else would you be reading this oh-so-American brand of retardation, which isn’t to call America retarded but rather to say that I am most definitely a product of America and am retarded. …Ahem. It’s easier if you just turn on the song now.

So Latifah’s short list of unacceptable offenses: (a) since leaving the United States – and I’ve really only gone up to the attic – I’ve gotten some pretty strange banner ads. Such as the one saying I can “win” a green card and go to the US. … Is there … some sort of raffle. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure a few Americans would be pretty pissed off if that’s the way immigration really works. I mean, Canada let me drive in with a packed U-haul and a dog but … that’s just because my whole family’s hot. Mostly Ezra. Anyway, I’m gonna need somebody to get on that whole disabling of said banners, kthanxby.

(B) The point at which I start having dreams in which Jon Gosselin appears, it’s getting a little crazy. Okay, maybe it was my fault for reading about how my girl, Nancy Grace, chomped on his manhood but seriously, when Dream Jon starts attacking my parenting by asking who’s with my son when he’s at school – which…is just retarded. And hurtful, because the administration has already made perfectly clear that I am not allowed to even hang around the entrance for six hours. But on the real, I did think it was pretty lametastic how he NOW seems to be able to open his mouth and defend his estranged wife, after letting her be raked over the coals when he was originally photographed with another woman. Because (a) you truly know their marriage because they’re on TV and (b) what sick woman ever accuses another of “deserving” her husband’s alleged infidelity? Right. Welcome to morality. And said defense was really just to draw comparisons with how “and now I’m being made to look bad by only showing one side”. Yeah. Now you get it. GET OUT OF MY DREAMS. And stay outta my car, too.

And just so you can end your day feeling good about your life. Please try to wrap your head around this. And know that death is the only real option here.

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