Cat-Tastrophe! (Another entry revisited)

This movie has replaced Glitter. I am watching it, of my own volition, right now. Josh and I could easily give you a scene by scene update on it, (for example: she wears the same layered dumpstore fare two days in a row without explanation, which is also true of her office girlfriend…who didn’t get paid for that retardation, I wonder…plus her name is Patience, she has the hair of Pollyanna and she can’t raise her voice to ask the neighbors to turn down the music at 3am – ALL this to cover the inability to get a decent script that includes actual characterization) BUT rather let’s revisit the initial response. (After I vomit fecal matter over the literal repeating of the line, “Seems like ya might be feeling better, Sal <giggle,giggle>” and the butt bouncing dribbling scene in front of a group of inner city kids OR the way the “director” thinks that shutter speed and fast cuts when coupled with horribly shabby CGI does an entire movie make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1byobwtfomgrofvomiting)

Subject: Holy S@%$bricks, Batman!!
Posted Date: Thursday, July 06, 2006 – 3:54 PM

Ever so often….we are given….a film….so …… repugnant…. that we literally … can’t….STOP…..WATCHING. That film… is CATWOMAN. Someone. Anyone. Take Halle Berry. And HOLD. HER. Stroke her hair. Tell her it’ll be okay. You’ll be lying. But, dammit, do it anyway. Because she has crossed a line… a line so pronounced that most people never come within a hundred yards of it. We all knew she was a modern day Dorothy Dandridge. Tormented. Confused. On neither team, longing to belong. But none of us suspected that she could read a script where dialogue like this:
Bad woman: Gameover!

Catwoman: Guess what? Overtime!!

…would sound – or read, rather – profound. You simply MUST watch it to believe it.

Let’s begin at the beginning. The concept of Catwoman makes sense. In Gotham City. Alongside Batman. And the Penguin. How. On God’s green earth. Did someone think it was a concept so exciting as to subsist on its own?? How can you even begin (and no worries, they don’t) to explain why a cat was able to bring a regular ass woman in a regular ass city back to life?!? HOW? How can you explain the Egyptian meets Christina Aguilera soundtrack? How can you justify the “b-ball scene”?? I won’t even try to explain that last one. Go. Go now. Run. You must witness it for yourself. The least we can do is pad her straitjacket pockets with a mere $3 in rental fees. Or watch it on HBO on Demand. Je-SUS. Corpus Christi! This movie had several scenes, several lines where – even having already sold and promised her services – Halle should’ve quoted Bernie Mac, “This shit is booty!” and saunted her ass home. Because that catwalk strut she does in the movie? The one where she squares her shoulders and thrusts her pelvis forward? It screams, “Hi. I should have more security than I do but I’m damaged and fragile and the least little criticism will send me off a ledge so please be gentle and don’t point out that my hair looks RIDICULOUS.” And don’t worry. I’ve not even beGUN to “ruin” the movie for you. So many treasures yet to be disclosed. How about the fact that you never actually SEE her fight anyone? As in, she didn’t spend months learning to fight. No, no. We rely on sharp editing skills for that one. And computer images. No lie, folks. Oh. OH. I’m sorry. Did I forget to mention that the movie deals with a police department outside a fictitious, comic book world and YET we are expected to believe that “all of the evidence points to Catwoman” when the fiendish devil who’s really to blame did nothing more than empty a gun into a man then slash his cheeks a few times and toss the gun to Catwoman (who is, btw, wearing gloves)?!? WHAT?!? Oh and the part where the Detective compares the lipstick from a wine glass to a picture of himself with lipstick smeared on his face (ALL THIS DONE IN A CRIME LAB) that he apparently had taken after Catwoman kissed him (WAIT, DIDN’T SHE LICK HIM??)?????? POURQUOI?
*dies…
Resurrects: Oh, watch Lovespring International. Funniest. Women. Ever.
*dies.

Wanna see my attempt at an intervention?

Subject: Bethany calls Halle Berry
Posted Date: Thursday, July 06, 2006 – 4:20 PM

Bethany: Hey, it’s me.

HB: Hey, girl!

B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, what-it-do…liiisten. Halle. Halle?

HB: Yeah?

B: Halle. I’ve been doing some thinking.

HB: Yeah.

B: About that new part you’re so excited about.

HB: Ooooh, girl! It is gonna be off the hook!

B: Yeeeah. I vote no.

HB: B, are you serious? Why??

B: I just –

HB: I mean I am looong overdue for a comedy AND I immediately fell in love with the script! It has depth, it has a fair amount of drama, I mean, I literally cried at parts.

B: Ok, but you cry in almost every part you’ve played. Whether called for or not. Remember that part in X-Men 2 when you got all glassy-eyed.

HB: I – don’t remember.

B: Well do you remember a part in X-Men 2 worth crying about?

HB: N-not really.

B: Point proven. So, I just figure, you know… you’ve got a couple dollars. I can loan you some if you’re crunched… you don’t have to do every script they send you. Do you?

HB: This is the opportunity of a lifetime, girl. I don’t know…I just can’t see passing this up.

B: Halle.

HB: I mean, I’m hearing you but I am on a roll right now and –

B: WHAT?

HB: I’m not gonna keep getting handed these awesome roles if I start denying people!

B:(aside) Oh, this girl done lost her damn mind.

HB: I just – I think I’ve gotta go with my gut.

B: Yeah, girl, you do that.

HB: I mean.

B: Yeah, I hear you. And maybe I’m wrong, you know. Maybe reprising the role of Smurfette –

HB: Thank you.

B: Gonna change your career.

HB: Thank you, girl. That’s what I’m hoping. I mean. This character has meant so much in my life and I just think that women are going to be so empowered when they see

*click*

HB: B? … Bethany?

…It did not go well.

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4 thoughts on “Cat-Tastrophe! (Another entry revisited)

  1. Pingback: Retro Review Le Deux « Prune Candy

  2. Pingback: All Hallows Eve | Pretty in PDX

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