And as such, I must update you on a story we both came to love. How can I tell you this? (deep sigh)
Guess you won’t have to do “extra good in [middle] school” after all, Alfie. ‘Cause – tell ’em, Jerry Springer! – that ain’tcho baby. Daaaaaaang, Gina! Maybe those boys weren’t just trying to jump on the scandalously lucrative bandwagon of a British tabloid story (that just felt nasty writing that!)… turns out my blushing British beauty (those words make sense only in that order when one looks like she) wasn’t still a virgin at 15! I certainly hope he meant what his hoodie said. You do remember, don’t you? “The baby is mine and if not, f*** you, I’ll still be there.” Really, young blood? Sure you wanna stand by your ogre instead of, I dunno, going to school?!
And to wash that nasty flavor out of your mouth, a football player and his wife and kids were racing to a Texas hospital to see a dying grandmother. Unfortunately, they didn’t come to a complete stop and were pulled over close to the hospital. The wife, unaware they were stopping because of being pulled over, began to run to the hospital. Her mother was dying, did I mention? Well, the cop who must have forgotten he had a dashboard cam made her come back and they all stood around while he wrote them a ticket, assuring them that a dying family member was no excuse for a California stop. Grandma died while they waited around in front of the hospital for his permission to go in. Cop was white. They were all black. And rich and famous. Annnd for anyone who was born yesterday, no one else seems to think there’s a better explanation. Dang it, Obama – cure it already! Am I right?! I mean…AM I RIGHT?!