….I have to collect myself. Because I’m sure everybody thinks music is just as big a deal to them as it is to everyone else. But that does not satsify me. I cannot assume we are all operating on the same wavelength and continue. How can I say this… if you cut me open, where blood should be would run ink and sound. I remember playing the last movement of Bachanale with the district mass recital band and being pretty sure that my chest was going to explode. I had never been that aroused in my entire life. And no I can’t think of another word for that. I cannot write without music. Can. Not. And it’s not indiscriminate. The music has to inspire the idea I already have. Every book of mine has a soundtrack with about three very poignant songs. Usually Thomas Newman or Hans Zimmer, or both.
And even being morbidly dependent on music and the trance it allows me… there has only been one composition that has given me the feeling I have right now. I’ve been trying to figure out the name of this song for literally years. And it’s simply, “Adagio For Strings” by Pulitzer Prize winning composer, Samuel Barber. And it’s free. On iTunes. IT’S. FREE. BUT NOT. IN THE US. EVEN THOUGH HE’S AN AMERICAN COMPOSER AND I DON’T CARE IF THAT SOUNDS IRRELEVANT, I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW.
When I was in high school, I would play the Braveheart soundtrack by James Horner to fall asleep. James Horner was my first love. I have since seemingly chosen Thomas Newman, Hans Zimmer and Yann Tiersen over him. But never. When I was little, I used to wonder why I was so haunted by The Land Before Time – a cartoon! But of course, it was the score, the maturity of which was largely unmatched by the compositions of most animated movies (I’d seen at the time – since Disney and Pixar long ago learned the value of having Thomas Newman and Hans Zimmer compose for animated film… and anyone who has seen The Lion King on broadway can attest to the engrossing darkness of Zimmer’s score).
I seriously wonder why books don’t come with the soundtracks necessary for their creation. A book I wrote in high school had a song list at the back. Haha.
But not since James Horner and a short movement written by Thomas Newman for Corrina, Corrina called simply “Home Movies” have I felt this way. I can’t overcome this song. I can’t listen to it enough. I can’t wear myself out on it. I can’t overuse it in my writing trances. There can’t be more than a few moments like this in your life. Where you find something that you need so much that you want to rewrite everything you’ve ever written so that it will be a part of all of them. Le sigh doesn’t quite express it. [Insert SOMETHING] I can’t articulate how even after the song has ended, I sit in the silence it leaves and just breathe. I’m not even thinking. The only thing as moving as the song itself is the silence it leaves when it’s done.
I will probably never have cause to write another post like this.