Reach Out And Smack Face

Alors. I have just been reminded how lovely grocery delivery can be (when you don’t let Tesco choose “substitutions”) – our tires are doing this funny thing where they split so the car is immobile at present. Instead of trying the comedy that would be riding the bus to and from Safeway, I just ordered the groceries online. And – malgre le garcon qui est vraiment bete – it was heavenly. I woke up, was teaching Ezzie (more on that) and then went downstairs to get the groceries brought to my door. So the phone convo that preceeded it with the aforementioned garcon:

Garcon: Hi, this is Safeway.com calling. *pause*

Me: Okay.

Garcon: Oh. This is Safeway.com calling?

Me: Heard that part.

Garcon: Okay. *pause* Well, I need to know where you live.

Me: As in, the address that’s on your order print out or specifically how to get here?

Garcon: Yeah.

Me:O_O… Which one?

Garcon: How do I get there?

…Yeah…

Anywho! So it was still lovely, even though when he got to the door – after going down the staircase about which I warned him – he goes: “There were a couple of stairs there.” To which I answered. “Yep. Just like I told ya.” He then made some snide remark about how all “the good stuff” wasn’t available (ie the organic bananas on the list) …. I’m… sorry… are delivery boys supposed to pass judgment on your order? Because I will have my Nutty Bars, broseph. Yeah.

My son just said my father’s name is Wavery Blinton. O_O He also chastised me, “Um, you have to talk to the puppet.” After I answered an interview question looking at Ezra instead of the paper bag puppet he’s using.

Okay, so I wanna share something I like to call Hot. And Mess. It’s like the top half is one of those big head puppets from some kids show but the bottom half is the hanger-on of Tina Turner’s Mad Max character. And you just know she thinks this ish is “classy”. Probably that and “sassy”. Because those things have always gone hand in hand. Hold on.. I just threw up a little in my mouth.

hot-and-mess1It’s a deep burn.

In other news: I don’t usually talk about Hillary Duff, partially because she’s about as exciting as stale white bread… but I have to kick her in the vulva for that attempt she sorta made on her new “song”, “Touch Me”. It was. Tragic? Not…not quite thorough of a word. … I mean. Thank you for getting your veneers adjusted and… yeah. I just wanna know why, with a studio being able to do apparently so little for her “vocals”… why she was allowed not only to do a loose cover… but allowed to live. I guess is my question. The audacity to writhe around trying to be sexy with that…that sound… emanating from… I guess what could be described as vocal cords…in the loosest of terms.

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6 thoughts on “Reach Out And Smack Face

  1. Why would he call you to ask for directions? Mapquest, google maps, yahoo maps. Just pick one. And you told him to go to the next loop and he didn’t? Well without those brains he needed to work his legs muscles. Have to have something to offer the opposite sex.

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  2. Well let’s hit up Yahoo to find the dopest route!
    I prefer MapQuest!
    That’s a good one too!
    Google Maps is the best!
    True dat!
    Double True!

    and in response to the picture: All we want is life beyoooooooond THE THUNDERDOME!

    Yeah. Never ordered groceries online, should hit that up soon though.

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  3. She’s that confusing hybrid of saditty and gutterbutt that seems to fascinate and encourage white people to befriend one lone black girl who will embue their get-togethers with sass-a-frass!

    Wait, she’s supposed to be HOW OLD?!

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