My Name Is Mr. Pants And Have A Nice Day

Two things that annoyed me before noon:

(1) [For complete lambasting, please refer to my husband.] Shows dedicated to the horror of the tsunami in Thailand (I keep wanting to say Cambodia…), focusing on the horrific experience of the White tourists present. Was it Petra Nemcova who was there and her boyfriend died? Has she made more cash since then than in her previous career (and been hit on by Bruce Willis!)? Because, true story, I heard that impoverished southeast Asian people died in far greater numbers than “model’s boyfriend”. I actually heard that children were swept out to sea. But it’s totally important to keep it all in perspective and remember that a model clung to a tree for six hours. And only that. Did I totally feel for her when I heard it? Yes, it “brought it home” … because somehow a Western supermodel seemed closer to my reality than Thai children… wait… The point is: four years later, we’re still talking mainly about the White people whose worlds were “destroyed”… until they went home and realized, “Nevermind, my house is still standing and my kids aren’t missing at sea. False alarm!”

(2) Lemme try to get my head right for this one. *Looooooong pause* So, I totally forgot that there is a “direct check fee” of $7.95 to pay my credit card balance online. Which isn’t a huge deal when the balance is high. When I was clearing the card, however, I was attempting to pay the entire balance. Not the balance minus $7.95. So a day later – again forgetting the dcf – I made a payment for the remainder. Here’s a little replication of my statement:

date: payment: – 7.95
date: direct pf: + 7.95

Riiight. Um. So I call them this morning. You know, to make sure they realize that the two cancel each other out and I’m not just handing over good Chipotle money for s___s and giggles. If the woman had been sane and – dare I say – American (and that’s not my being racist, that’s my being suspicious of discussing my money with someone who is not a native speaker!), here’s how I imagine the conversation would have gone.

Woman: Okay, I see the issue. You made a payment. We deduct the direct check fee and then use the remainder to pay towards the balance. Clearly, once we deduct, there’s nothing to go towards the balance and no sane person would just be making the direct check fee. I’ll go ahead and [insert whatever keeps me from paying you for nothing].

Here’s what really happened:

Woman: Okay, I see the issue. You have to pay the direct check fee.
Me: I’m not disputing the existence of the direct check fee. I am admittedly at fault for not remembering it existed however I’m not calling to argue about why it exists. I am just saying: obviously no sane person would expect that I would be okay with just paying the fee.
Woman: Yes, there is that fee when you pay online.
Me: *confused* What? I know!
Woman: So, you will be charged the direct fee first.
Me: There’s no first. There’s nothing left after you deduct for the fee.
Woman: Because you have to pay the direct fee.
Me: O_O
An hour’s worth of similar conversation later.
Me: Okay, obviously we’re having a miscommunication because I already get what you’re saying and you’re not hearing what I’m saying. [Read: You no speaka the English and yet you have some authority over my personal and monetary information! You’re about to make me really racist.]
Woman: No, no, –
Me: Yes, ma’am, don’t be afraid to admit you’re not understanding me! I just want the whole payment cycle – you know, the one that doesn’t adjust my balance in any way and only pays you guys a direct check fee whose existence we’re not here to dispute – to be canceled out. Because anything else is just retarded.
Woman: As a courtesy, I will just waive the fee this time.
Me: [Thinking: So you’ve known how to fix this problem for the past hour. … What’s that red stuff coming from my nose and ears?]
Woman: But it’s a courtesy and I don’t have to do it.
Me: *Scooby-Doo noise* No, you’d have to, sweetcheeks, because I wouldn’t let you just keep money that paid nothing.
Woman: [Suddenly understanding complex English] Well, it’s a courtesy.
Me: I’m glad you feel special. Just go head and take it off.
Woman: Well, there will be a direct fee next time.
Me: Great. Bring it.
Woman: Yeah. So, you’re welcome. Is there anything else you need, Mrs. —
Me: *click*

Yeah, I don’t know how much of that really was said. From her end. Oh, I said all that to her, be assured.

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9 thoughts on “My Name Is Mr. Pants And Have A Nice Day

  1. Next we’ll be hearin horror stories about the rich old white people in New Orleans (pronounced Nor’lins) who had to move to new rich white neighborhoods. I’m sure many people were just PO’ed when they were not given honorary posistions on their new community council boards.
    Yes, some people lost homes that were very old and family heirlooms. But, when you compare lost memories to lost lives it pisses some people off.

    And I perfer to pay everything by mail for that very reason. “Ma’am, the attitude isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

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  2. Josh. If you are so insensitive that you can’t acknowledge how unsettling it is to up and move to your home in Greenwich before it’s even been aired out for the season… you just have no soul.

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  3. You KNOW you love my name! And…..THAT was hilarious! It’s as if Petra was the only one we would identify with and cared about. But truly, the nips still received far more press than the negroes.

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  4. Errr…”nips” only refers to Japanese (Nihon->Nippon->”nip”, or something like that)…so yeah….I don’t know what’s going on there from either angle.

    But don’t sad rich white people make you cry for them? Like when E runs stories 24/7 about sad celebrities, don’t you want to cry and send them your money????

    If you don’t you must not be a patriotic American. In fact, you’re probably a terrorist!

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  5. Oh, Andy. If we can’t universalize racial slurs, I don’t know what we’re doing here.
    “If I can’t use words I don’t understand, it’s gonna be a real quiet day.”

    I think everybody’s gotten away from my biggest irritation today: the woman who I wanted to slap.

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  6. Well what I was getting at was that I didn’t get a) using an inapplicable slur (accidental? intentional?) and b) why use it in the first place?

    Oh, I’m sorry you had to deal with that woman :).

    I feel for you because, on average, I deal with at least one “foreign” tech support/customer support type person per week. Sometimes many more than 1. I really need a headset on my phone so I can use my now freed hand to help my other hand repeatedly slam into my forehead. That’s bound to make the conversations easier.

    I was talking to someone the other day, whom I got transferred to after about 3 phonecalls and 4 transfers. I said “well, your foreign support person just said such and such, which is obviously wrong” and he said “foreign?” and acted all surprised. I said “Yes, the last several people I have spoken to were all located in a country where there is no premium attached to speaking English. They were foreign.” He just kind of ignored that and moved the conversation along. Unfortunately, he was also useless.

    I have since dispatched a rep from another company to deal with all the annoying reps from said original company. He’s been at it for a week now. FUN!

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